I don't think I ever really understood fear and worry until I found out I was pregnant. I worried about things I never thought I would even think about before. Every new pain, everything I ate and breathed, everyone who was around me...I constantly worried! I wanted to do everything I could to protect my unborn child. And everything I did affected that baby.Now that Parker is here I understand even more about uncontrollable fear! I never thought I could have such a concern about another human being. I feel so incredibly responsible for this child. It's my job as his mother to protect him and to take care of him...but I can only do so much!Each day I am reminded how fragile life really is. There is absolutely nothing I can do to completely protect myself or Parker. I can do everything in my power to make the best decisions to make sure he is healthy and taken care of, but truth is I am not in control. God is! I must trust that God loves Parker more than I ever could. What a profound statement! God, the creator of the universe AND my child, loves him more than I ever will. How can that be? I love Parker with every ounce of my being and would do everything possible to take care of him. But God still loves him more? Yes! So in trusting that (and that's a daily struggle) I must believe that HE will protect him. I must trust that HE has a perfect plan for his life and it doesn't necessarily involve my plans. I absolutely hate that I don't have full control. It's my weakness. But I want the best for Parker. And the best for him is God's plan...not mine!Every single night before I go to sleep I check on Parker and kiss him goodnight. I always say a prayer that God would watch over him and protect him during the night. I can't even fathom the thought of something happening to him. My stomach turns even speaking about it. I don't want to ever have to go through something tragic with him. I pray that HE will protect him and watch over him. I still worry all the time. I must trust that God is watching over him and protecting him.
Life is short! Shorter than most of us probably plan. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. We think that we are and we think that we are invincible, but sooner or later we will all pass away. And the only thing that will truly matter is if we have a relationship with God or not. I am confident that when I die I will be in heaven. I have trusted in God to forgive me of my sins and to give me His mercy and grace. I know that I have a place in heaven and I am thankful for that. Praise God that we can have a hope of something better after death. It doesn't make death any easier but it does give us hope.
I have a completely different perspective on life now. I worry not only about myself but also my son..and my husband too. Loving someone this much can be painful at times and cause lots of fear. But I trust that God is a big God and can take care of him when I can't.